...what's running through your mind?

This chemical. romance.

In front of the non-caustic glow of the computer screen...
I'm afraid I sometimes slip through the cracks in between the keyboard without even knowing it. There used to be purpose. Now, it's just a communication instinct. When I talk to you, you're as real as I'd imagine. But I want you to remain untouched.

Whorrible, you're getting yourself entangled -
in a mess of wires and circuit boards.
Poor thing, you don't speak for yourself anymore -- you cunt.

.newyork.hongkong.montreal.london.paris.tokyo.

Well, I'm going to leave tomorrow for the beautiful Saturna Island for the long weekend. I'll be back on monday - I'm so excited! The ferry departs in the evening so I'll probably stick in a couple more entries. Pictures, pictures and maybe a movie or two will follow.

I dug up my old collection of CDs I burned years ago... why do I have all this gabber? Why the hell do I feel like dancing? regarding that alien thing you barred me from watching... well, I watched it. Uhhhh, it's the "Rubber Johnny" short movie! ...the weird techno you were referring to was the IDM developed by the talented and druqkie artist - Aphex Twin <3

but you've gone too far

will you take the plunge?

oh, hullo there.

APPLE GUMMY
Every drop of fresh apple juice, carefully pressed from the reddest apples, shining in colors of the cheeks of a snow-country child, is yours to enjoy in each soft and juicy Kasugai Apple Gummy!

Heh, I still can't get over those japanese apple gummies. So! Saturday evening consisted of a luvverly semi-formal fandango at the Old Spaghetti Factory. I don't do girl stuff but I so want whore heels - apparently they're expensive, guh. Actually, I don't do a lot of girl things... y'know, like eat half a portion of a full meal. I think I've actually acquired a taste for things that I know I'll never wear.. or understand why I'll wear it. More precisely, I hate shopping for clothes or shoes or makeup. I like grocery shopping though (soccer mom wannabe). I'm rambling. Today was spent hardcore cleaning - 5 loads of laundry, cleaned the bathtub/shower, toilet, car and vacuumed the damn house. Now I'm ready to eat!

The KO wtf Uppercut!

seriously.

yeah, I'm going wtf, also.

a fishbowl paradise

Because we're living in a fishbowl paradise.

Rule No. 1 - Never compare a girlfriend to another girl. lol, references included. I did ballet for 9 years... I quit because of the pressure to lose weight. My toes aren't fucked up bad because I never did pointe. However, the whole skewed body image shit still stays. I look at the mirror and desire fuller breasts, slimmer feminine legs, a toned tummy and 15 pounds less meat everywhere. Realistically, I know I should work towards a stronger core and everything else will just come.

but,
I still want to be a dancer... only this time, a stranger in a chair shall be my vice. I believe this stems from my dreams - strangers and faceless men have always come to use me in some way or another. My biggest fear is letting them down... and in dreams, this usually turns into a nightmare. So what say you? Would you call a woman weak for being raped? What if she liked it?

--------
Okay, so here comes the part where I reiterate my day. Costco trip with the G only to walk out with a huge box of cereal in my arms... gawd, I'm so happy! G's happy because he's got a 12-pack of socks too tight for his feet, lol... and a dvd of Vintage Disney shorts. Now I'm looking forward to Seaian's Nagoya trip pictures! Why am I excited? Because of SUMO wrestlers!

Dear journal,

he loves me too much to be jealous

I wish I had a secret because I have nothing left to hide. I look at him and wonder sometimes, what goes through his mind. I don't know what questions to ask anymore so I constantly try to reinvent myself... and wonder if he ever notices. I don't keep a sketch book anymore for this very reason... it all comes on here.

I cry sometimes because I can never be what he ultimately wants.
-----
So boo hoo fucking emo girl. On a lighter note, I got all the courses I wanted - e-mail or talk to a prof directly if you want to get into a class. 297 or 298 students, it's all the same to the prof anyways. Hyyyyyaaaa! (^_^)V

Anyways, camping next week on Saturna - I'm excited!

lol, this is too good.

on a bike

just clench your teeth and push on.
____
Edit - That was liberating. However, it also resulted in well defined tan lines... *shudder* ugh, the worst are the bike short lines, lol. Ah well, sacrifices for health and as long as they aren't ridicuous triangles over boobs. ><

let's have a lovesome.

Effing hell. I hate registering for courses and I hate having to know what I want to do. Ah well, waiting lists it is. Stupid biol 200. Ha, and I speak as though the course were a person. > : ( Well, I'm more bitter for the fact that the advisors and secretaries sorting out this shit are so purposefully anal to students asking simple questions... I'm sorry if my presence evokes hardcore eye rolling and outward sighing - I respect your time and your help but you look at me as if my simple questions were coming from some inebriated monkey. Okay I kid I kid, I don't want to fux0r anything. I'm giving ubc money <3

In anycase, the weather's beautiful. I went rollerblading for a little bit with the Ser and G. G can run, I can't rollerblade and the blades are Serena's second set of feet. Soooo, biking it is next time. Furthermore, I want to invest in a fitness ball because they kick ass.

one more step

one more step

-----------------------------------
Right now, I'm thinking.
Of all the vivid words and images selectively stored to memory. "You should go ask her what shampoo she uses"... I recall the paper and the handwriting... the words, "I believe"... and - that pause in your voice, brim-full of captivation and intrigue. Sometimes I feel like a thief... a thief whose guilt and conscience has caught up finally.
A thief in the night.

so I sleep.
held so closely by thoughts.

but some nights,
I sleep.

manic

Right now, I'm glad that there's no one around. I seriously could bite someone's head off - and I'm not an angry person. I went running earlier in the afternoon. Baha, what a joke I am. Now I've got a well defined triangle on my back, just when I was hoping to get rid of it. I can't wait to fall asleep in the sun, nude.

Oh - and middle eastern women are naturally gorgeous looking - hair, eyes, skin... woo! However, that's not to say that every race isn't fraught with their own ideals of beauty... I love it all. Can't say I've got any highlights of typical oriental genes. People were convinced that my mum was Hawaiian when she studied at SFU over 30 years ago - waist-length frizzy hair and dark brown skin. A mixture between the north and the south yields the me, fraught with the inconclusive 'wtf are you' genes. V(^_^) Mum, the ex-TAB... Dad, the ex-ricer. bahaha. Times have changed a long way since back in the day. My dad's first car was a second hand Alfa Romeo import... the glory days of the MG and Triumph are over. lol, it's ridiculous to me - I don't understand how he could spend his days salivating over magazines calculating, researching and saving up for mods and parts... Skipping meals to save up for the next Led Zeppelin or Black Sabbath vinyl - interesting, to say the least. Nowadays, my dad is used to parents coming into the dealership, not even looking at the car and just dropping 110 grand on the spot for a car their son expressed interest in. Gah!

the intensity that speaks volumes

[image: katia]

My mum came home from a haircut, obviously shaken. A man was killed on the job today in front of the hair salon. Apparently he got sucked into the machine that transformed whole branches into mulch.

effective, non?

I like this ad for Puma. lol, because the neanderthal man is cute. Which reminds me, I like men who are kind of hairy... the (treasure) trail of hair that runs down from under the navel drives me nuts (provided that they smell clean, heh). However, an overtly built obliquus externus muscle on anyone is a turn off. I always get the impression that you can jab your fingers under them and break it like doing it to your ribs. ugh.

Anyways, G reaffirmed again. I guess I just wanted to hear it. I wanted to know. I wanted his honesty and I appreciate it. I think silence would have driven me off the edge night after night. I like hearing it because I believe he's still got a chance for something so wonderful...

Despite

what you say, I'm still feeling off centre.

I remember from American Beauty that the worst feeling in the world is to feel ordinary. I want flaws that make me feel beautiful. Someday... I really wish I could stop someone in their tracks. It's not necessarily that physical beauty per se, but that aura of personality that you could embrace from afar. As of current, I feel really inadequate and I know I'm slowly losing control... I just want to be noticed because I feel like I'm just in a competition for you.

so small.

u r here.

I have 2 spiders living on the window pane beside the toilet of my bathroom.

I acquired a straw hat today. Now I feel dirty. Would you like to know of the host of men I've been with? The strangers that I've slept with? Would you like to know why I cheated?

lol, yes - of course you would, it's news and an ego/morale booster for the current state of affairs in your life... a comforting reassurance that you're still fresh in this game. Sometimes you might be afraid to question and confront what you're scared to admit... that maybe you're throwing nothing towards an image you've been striving to build. So - here I am, my fetishes for your veil, the labour and concrete for your castle. I'd like to clear up the fact that fiction may be my substance to escape sometimes... please don't push a ficticious flaw into an undeniable and absolute truth.

What I write in here - take it as you will. Gossip is hungry again.
I don't believe that I lead a static life, neither should you.

The origin of autumn

The leaves are falling, falling as if from far up,
as if orchards were dying high in space.
Each leaf falls as if it were motioning "no."

And tonight the heavy earth is falling
away from all other stars in the loneliness.

We're all falling. This hand here is falling.
And look at the other one. It's in them all.

And yet there is Someone, whose hands
infinitely calm, holding up all this falling. 

--Rainer Maria Rilke

[image: bittertaste]

Brevity to Breathe

Theme for "prison"

[image: iimyh]
I feel inadequate. obsessed. so small.
silent.

I'm a bitch.

"tomorrow I will change and today won't mean a thing"

anthems for a seventeen year old girl

Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.

I must digress

I must digress
my boundaries lie where emotions tread.

Analog

My modem was replaced earlier this afternoon so everything's fair and square now. I've got a tentative gameplan for partitioning courses this winter and I hope everything turns out as hoped. I would like to ask... how are Chem 233 and Biol 200/201 like? They seem to have gained notoriety for being some of the hardest courses offered at the university. But I'll leave it at that because no one will reply. My mum always points out that I'm a loner for not making any friends at school.. or come across a person who could be my mentor or guide. Yeah, and I wish I was a soci/anthro major. Thanks for keeping me at home and restricting my options for socialization. There is only so much a parent can do to shelter a child from all the negative influences out "there". Perhaps they should be more concerned about all the negative influences that happen within the house.

Ah well, enough of my ramblings.

I'm going to sleep naked tonight.

la femme d'argent

la femme du jour.
Net technicians are expected to make their way over to see what the heck's wrong with this frickin' network connection. I blame the router and possible corrosion... wtf's with the constant re-setting? On a separate note, my sister's computer tower is fried. The damn generator that partitioned the energy had a friggin' power surge or something which consequently fried all the parts inside. Then again, what the hell do I know about computers... like, nothing. IT in high school was sorta boring, lol - namely because you can't compete with the naturally gifted and technologically saavy compsci kiddos. They don't know me namely because I was some snothead in the corner struggling to figure what the heck all that python scripting nonsense was about... regardless, those guys were my silent heroes. My cheers to them, from an admirer of such art.

Mr. DaSilva on the other hand, is struggling to cope with giggly grade 8's and the IT department at Burnett... lol, he looks like he dislikes his job. The best of luck to him.

In other news, G's gone for I don't know how long to visit an old friend in Saltspring. Course selection is a headache.. my registration date isn't for a long long time and I will most likely end up with all the leftover courses. I talked to a Nursing advisor and walked out feeling sort of defeated. To be honest, all I wish was that I had someone to talk to... someone who could give me some advice about university from the beginning... or even now, to come to think of it. I often find myself feeling really bitter about a lot of things... *sigh* C'est la vie for the meantime, each and everyone to their own dreams and aspirations.

(I need a juice box and a good sulking session)

it will pass it will pass it will pass, just a passing quirk: I trust

sleep on the floor, dream about me

I used to fantasize about a lot of things. I still do.
I've always wanted to live large, be promiscuous and remain absolutely uninhibited to sexual desire... I wanted to embody the image of lust, chance the devil and lick the fingers of vice.

But in truth,
all I really am is
small.

Random.

the music of silent prophets

...i'm feeling kind of cold.

my deaf eyes to your blind ears

"god is the
only one who
loves me
no one on earth does"

I cried reading these: http://postsecret.blogspot.com/
secrets