Numbers for lives, like money is for time.

That's right, you can stop reading and ignorance is bliss like once upon a time.
This is of the same magnitude as Nagasaki and Hiroshima
in minutes.
You can stop reading now.
No number of tears can replace:
in minutes.
You can stop reading now.
heart pounding 8.9

1. Indonesia: 79,940
2. Sri Lanka: 27,268
3. India (including Andaman and Nicobar Islands): 7,330
4. Thailand: 2,394
5. Somalia: 120
6. Burma: 90
7. Maldives: 67
8. Malaysia: 65
9. Tanzania: 10
10. Seychelles: 1
11. Bangladesh: 2
12. Kenya: 1

and meanwhile I'm thinking I'm fat. jesus, phuck.
one year after bam. 46,000.

and this is no war. white dickheads thinking: population control
YES!

gravy, eggs, cheese and rice

And the earth quivered.
It's dangerous to read newspapers because
atwood said so. and the sweat from newsprint soils your soul.
Perpetuating, insinuating, dramatic love warfare.
Weaving fingers behind your head like a PoW: freedom
Liberty, more like. "Every woman for herself" when you're on the street.
Numbers for lives, like money is for time.
Tsunami down your throat, in cascades of jumbled letters piecing nothing.
Vietnam and Dresden, join the Green Beret's and the noble cause of crusades.
FREE WILL. tattooed into your soul.
because, pressed up against a wall
your mouth tastes of metallic. Guns and strength, virtuous l'amour.
And you're wearing a white silk dress and a silly grin.

A reply, dear Willow:

Oh dear,

Willow my sweet, I miss you too. I never seem to be able to keep promises so you're entitled to a dramatic slap on the face the next time I get to see you. I said that I'd come and visit you, Machala and Kathryn during the break but I didn't know where to begin. And now, I'm at loss with what to do with the dwindling days ahead. Time seeps through like sand between dry fingers. Camp never happened, visits never happened, nothing seems to happen when I've the power to take action. In truth, I really deserve the loneliness and lack of festivities and no one should put up with my "stand up on you" crap. Oh gosh, Willow! I don't know what to do but say I'm so sorry to everyone I've ever closed the door to. I've begun to realize that there's no point being game because I so sorely suck at it here... or plainly because I don't know how to. I have ammends to make and much more to learn. You all deserve so much more....especially.
---

lol, I'll talk to Royce later. Don't you worry. Thank you, dear Willow****

Holy Strawberry, Batman!
Jane needs a shower!

Good night again.

so I talked to my power animal last night...

and stared at my walls, only partially filled. I'm lying there in bed, absorbed with some trippy incantation of mish-mashed dreams with bits of truth festooning sticking to mind. With one hand under my pillow I roll over, exposing a leg to the air... I hate being hot under the covers.
drawing a blank look towards the second half. of my bed.
Deep breath and aspiring hope of some lingering tinge of comfort.
Nein.
not since the summer. and I miss him. already
unforgotten. I'm such a child.
--------------------------------------------------

Anyways, I did have a dream last night that I kind of remembered. Dreams seem harder to remember as of late. I remember them being so livid and real when I was a child... with particular ones sticking to mind. Too much TV. But anyways, I dreamt of being in this giant mansion-thing with so many corridors and doors and rooms. I eventually walked into another room - the entrance hallway to many stairs. The lighting was very yellow and all the furniture was of a rich deep red and blue. Next I'm in an empty room and I know exactly where I am... well, variations of it. And that odd feeling of emptiness and frustration kind of boiled over. I knew the feeling from previous dreams. And as if by some signal, I navigated through more doors into this tiny room with a bed in it and crept in. I then slept with a woman... though the action itself wasn't aimed towards sexual fulfillation, it was just the feeling afterwards... completeness? closure? It's weird to describe. lol, and I woke up thinking... "Wow, that was new."

A lot of interpretations, but I think it's a result of reading too many books about prostitution during the late 18th century. Do clothes really make a woman?

So there's going to be hot pot this tuesday... anyone wanna come?

ice ih-cle

cocoon

Good night everyone.
Good night Internet.

Hello bed.

Cleo and Myrtle --Ross Campbell

classique

listen, it's...

beautiful

I guess

I guess I forgot
about Christmas.
just keep to myself and look at a tree alone
in a house. (just like that old 70's song, lol.)
I forgot who it was by.

I despise malls and densely crowded places at this time of year.
Way to be a grinch, Jane. Grrrr. I'm such a passive driver, lol. I cry too easily. Not that I did, heh... *cough* I guess I've lost the heart for Christmas... maybe it's just me but I'm just not excited.

Do you believe in determinism? That everything happens for a reason? That for every action, it influences a reaction? I don't. Otherwise my farts in grade 9 would've somehow influenced 9/11.

It's the end of the week already and it feels like a waste. Funny to think after all this yearning for time to do nothing, I actually want to do something.... maybe even doing some sort of schoolwork. Crazy talk. But it's true. I tried though. So I'll just read the chem textbook tonight. Organic chem and Thermodynamics next term. just maybe.

my eyes are kinda screwed up. They're all puffy, red and juicing, lol. Way to go cold, way to go. My head feels stuffed up and I refuse to take medicine for it anymore. I watched 'House of Flying Daggers' earlier on and bawled my eyes out. Then I felt cold and lonely and curled up in bed. It wasn't particularly a very art-directed film like 'Hero'... but the martial arts was beautiful. *clap clap*... Actually, I wouldn't mind watching 'Hero' again... the colours and the silk, dammit... OooOOOooooooh.

Well, maybe I'll blog on again later on this evening. I want to talk to someone or anyone. but I've lost numbers and people are busy. Party on!
*head bangs* owww.

one

shutting my eyes too fast, too slow
like struggling to drag another foot atow.

I've been listening to Aimee Mann for the past hour.
One, is indeed the loneliest number that you'll ever know.
it's the saddest experience...

Then there's surburbia

"Someday this place is going to burn
is your whole life in there, waiting
Someday [...] they'll realize,
you're missing"

where is
My _aviour? My_urburbia?
dirty like sin.
_hhhhhhhh

you'll come back within yourself, promise
and the art will be beautiful.

Damn you Mr. Good. I'm recycling my old self.
I want to marry the sea.
I've fallen in love. But my head hurts so bad.

Merry Christmas to all!
:)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
whilst dreams of sugarplum fairies danced in their heads,
she sleeps comfortable, dreaming of bawdy houses, loose women and crooked grins.

S&M battle scars

sea/love/hate/star.

Almost there, m'dear.

I actually attempted 19 credits this school term... that's almost twice the course-load of a regular student. I'm happy with the shit-mix results, lol :)

Though definately a load I'm not willing to attempt again. ever.
Spread smooth honey over summer and it'll be sweet.
With peanut-butter sticking to the roof of my mouth.

Partay?

In other words,
French men are undoubtly hot for a reason, yummy!

Carolina in the Morning

Major procrascination... studying for math.

The //
Last Cigarette: never
Last Alcoholic Drink: Merlot red wine from that mussell bonanza
Last Car Ride: This morning in the good ol' volvo
Last Kiss: The last time I visited Gabriel, which is too long ago :(
Last Good Cry: I can't remember, not for awhile
Last Library Book: Fight Club
Last book bought: The Crimson Petal and the White
Last Book Read: Opium
Last Movie Seen in Theatres: Alien vs. Predator I think, ha ha
Last Movie Rented: Kill Bill vol. 2
Last Item Worn: pj bottoms and black tank top... that hasn't left my body for many a day, ew
Last Cuss Word Uttered: scheisse
Last Beverage Drank: Oolong tea
Last Food Consumed: Russian potato soup
Last Crush: Nein, dah-lin'
Last Phone Call: Gabriel
Last TV Show Watched: TV show? Probably the simpsons.. it's been far too long
Last Time Showered: ...you don't want to know
Last Shoes Worn: Me hiking boots that are too small for me
Last CD Played: Burned compilation of smooth jazz and randomness
Last Item Bought: A printer
Last Download: Gary Jules - Mad World
Last Annoyance: The damn cordless phone
Last Disappointment: My inability to focus on studying
Last Soda Drank: 7-Up
Last Thing Written: 7-Up
Last Key Used: Car key
Last Words Spoken: "bye"
Last Sleep: In the afternoon
Last Ice Cream Eaten: Vanilla ice cream a long time ago
Last Chair Sat In: chair i'm currently sitting on in front of my desk
Last Webpage Visited: This one

two steps over the ledge

I feel sad. :(

No drive or warmth.
Comfort, two steps over the ledge
and false redemption.

because, I'm
so phugged.

I've also got heartburn again. :(

Who will I you will fihgt this war?.

XXX - Rifampicin

I just finished my third cup noodle and slice of pizza in 4 hours. Now I'm downing another bag of chips, delicious. lol, I think it's a stress thing. I hate exams.. I'd rather write papers than face a shitty exam. Or maybe I'm just a whiner and complainer.
Sexy, oh so sexy.

So close.

So I stepped on the scale today... I think I've gotta a shed a few. Not got to, mind you.... it's Christmas time and I'm planning to let go... but while at it, be able to go on runs or biking again. It's a feel good thing, y'know... getting oxygen into your head (in which I'm severely lacking right now). Ask me to run a block and I'm telling you, I won't last a minute. Damn media and consumerism. I love how you tell me what's beautiful. It's such a game. Maybe I should be a part of it... maybe I should play too. Be wasteful, be unabashed, be so "Jane". Jane, the leo. Go tiger, *mrow*. ;)

I'm just feeling so guilty right now. I'm thinking more and more about the people that I care the most for and I've just let go. I'm just stuck in a mind rut right now. I miss Machala to bits. I'm scared to e-mail or send a letter or contact her, because I miss her. I don't know what to do. Perhaps I've lost myself... in realization that my self esteem has shrunk so much.

*sigh*

Que sera.

I <3 Dr. Hofmann

I <3 Dr. Hoffman

http://www.drhofmann.org/

His work is amazing.

-----------------------------

EDIT - I just had to add this poem in. Men driving their first car, driving their virgin sex.

she being Brand by e.e. Cummings (1894-1962)

she being Brand

-new;and you
know consequently a
little stiff i was
careful of her and(having

thoroughly oiled the universal
joint tested my gas felt of
her radiator made sure her springs were O.

K.)i went right to it flooded-the-carbureter cranked her

up, slipped the
clutch (and then somehow got into reverse she
kicked what
the hell) next
minute i was back in neutral tried and

again slo-wly; bare,ly nudg.ing (my

lev-er Right-
oh and her gears being in
AI shape passed
from low through
second-in-to-high like
greasedlightning) just as we turned the corner of Divinity

avenue i touched the accelurator and give

her the juice, good

( it

was the first ride and believe i we was
happy to see how nice she acted right up to
the last minute coming back down by the Public
Gardens i slammed on

the
internalexpanding
&
externalcontracting
brakes Bothatonce and

brought allofher tremB
-ling
to a:dead

stand-
;still)

Rabbit in your Headlights



Jacob's Ladder:
If you're frightened of dyin' and you're holding on...
You'll see devils tearing your life away.
But...if you've made your peace,
Then the devils are really angels
Freeing you from the earth.....from the earth....from the earth



My god, it's KO reincarnated!

running my fingers through threads made of gold

I feel like physically talking to someone right now... How does your voice sound like when you cease to talk completely for a long time? Sultry? Croaked? Cracked.

Christmas is near. The lights are all strewn up all down the street. Some people just go all out, lol. I just like the smell of the air... no, not at the mall. Just outside. I suppose this weekend is going to be dedicated to something mundane like christmas shopping or putting up the christmas tree. For some reason, the thrill of christmas seems so routine. Watching my siblings pick out their presents... ?

Maybe I'll bake something. Cookies seem cliche... maybe try for a pie? *chuckles* I still have Machala's oatmeal fudgies in hand. I actually want to make apple crumble... yum :)
Chocolate covered pretzels were yummy too. Though they kind of make you thirsty and wanting more, heh. I wonder what's going to happen this year... another family gathering?
I dunno.

Just hold my hand.

Gary Jules - Mad World

no expression. Happy Birthday.

I don't feel like doing anything today. However, I did enjoy watching Donnie Darko last night... I think I'm going to get it when I get the chance. sleep time!

http://i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=5886

PS - Gabe's hot in glasses... it's unbelievable. Wear them more often!

The Nigh is Near - REPENT SINNER!

It's Finals time kiddos. The computer at home will be officially shut off until my first three exams are over. I love you all... *sniff*

Dec. 8 - PHYS 100: 8:30 - 11:00 am (Osbourne B)
Dec. 9 - ENGL 112: 12:00 - 3:00 pm (Osbourne G)
Dec. 11 - CHEM 121: 8:30 - 11:00 am (Osbourne A)
Dec. 17 - BIOL 112: 8:30 - 11:00 am (SRC A&B&C)
Dec. 18 - MATH 180/100: 7:00 - 9:30 pm (Osbourne G)
SLEEEEEEEEEEP.

-------------
Edit - Update (there's no way I can abstain from this computer)

Inex Pharmaceuticals has dropped to 64 cents a share and still falling... fluck... from like, 5 bucks a share... there goes a few thousand dollars... Boooooooooooooooooo
NOTE - there is no such thing as an anti-cancer drug.

------------
Dec. 9th EDIT

Wow, English 112 is over.. I hope I appealed to the socialist in my marker. Aside from that, it's harsh cheming now... Yes... and I uhh, downed probably over 2 pounds of mussels. Holy scheisse. Mercury Hg in bloodstream has upped like how much? Jeebus, and that's on top of the main course. Over 2 pounds? On top of the fact I ate a frickin' lunch wrap Alvin treated me to an hour beforehand. Gluttony is a sin m'dear Jane. Wow.

Yes, I'm swearing so much more during crunch time. Bad habit, Jane... bad habit. I just hope Gabriel's handling everything a-okay. Miss that dear boy like there's no post-exam saturday.
-----------------------

Dec. 10th EDIT
Shoot for the moon.. even if you miss you'll be among the stars.
Shit shit shit... chem's in less than 12 hours.
The All or None Effect.
God Bless.

smiling rules!

Mahfood

focus

Okay, after me ...

Sine sine
Cosine
Sine
three point one four one five nine

The Fuck Society and Soft Outer Crust

Gooood stuff.

Anyways, I'm so not ready for the Chem 121 and Bio 112 finals. It sux0rs.
Oh, and I just realized we emit light when we move.. and my vagina is actually a box of kinetic energy... coooool. Then again, at the moment.. it's really a box of potential energy.. which can be proved using basic conservation and Newtonian laws.

I also have a feeling that the failing mark for chemistry is going to be pulled up to a 67% (from rumours).. anything lower than that, you fail the f-ing course. I don't think chemistry is for me.. no sireee... Neither is biology or physics... Why the hell am I in science, dude?

I think I want to steer towards nursing now... labour and delivery? I think it's the most warming ward in a hospital. Full of life and new beginnings. *le sigh* There is no easy way out of anything. I miss the care-freeness of childhood.. and the lack of responsibility.

I want to be an artist now. And study the works of Plato and the paintings of Kandinsky, Rothko and Munch. I want to be near the seaside on a sunny day.. where you can smell the salt in the air. Dissect the beauty of nature and unfold the very beginnings of love.

I can taste the salt on his lips already.

ewwwwwwwww, uggs

composition

engulfed

still riding those waves

still riding those waves

you know... i'm still awash with that feeling of waves hitting my ankles, swaying. That's why I'm going to head off to bed right now with a smile on face.. I love that feeling.

sensual...

The last of fall

Titrate me and I'll titrate you

Oh dear.

Let's hope tonight will be > than 3 hours of sleep. I like the sweet smell of burning paper.... kinda like the sugar and sulfuric acid reaction. crusty carbon. and elephant's toothpaste.
need sleep and pixie dust... kinda like the crazy hookah bongs I saw today. sexy.
But noooo, onward ho sodium hydroxide! You have potassium hydrogen pthalate to titrate tomorrow. That, and your conclusive dilution with the lascivious hydrochloric acid... only phenolphthalein can tell now. OooOOOooOOooooooh!

oh good bed, you'll be mine to ravish soon enough. *humps*

Be my derivative, you hot thing! And I'll tell you where my x and y domains lie ;)

ew. wth. b0n3rzzzzzzz.

My headddddd

whoa, hungry