i'm just a girl now

dear giant,
i don't know what i am doing.

just recluse for comfort in the meantime, miss.
you are scared for tomorrow
like a little girl
in a pink frilly dress. gone dotty.

there is no one there to hold your hand
in this sea of sterile shoulders
/ manic coloured walls.
oops - you've lost a button, miss.

a stone broods in your belly,
+ 1 stagnant antibody.

Hush, darling:
soon, you will birth a giant.

The Invitation

[image: exuent]

The Invitation

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dreams
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.

If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."

It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after a night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

--Oriah Mountain Dreamer

there is a stone in my belly.

my clock stopped at 8:44 am today

[image still; box - Takashi Miike]

I don't know whether Takashi Miike's movies are brilliant or just plain out insane. I just want to see more, lol. Has anyone seen "Three Extremes"? I want to see "Dumplings"... it's such an interestingly disturbing concept - our just tasteless, depending how one looks at it.

Anyways, I've been popping antibiotics daily because the persistent fire throat I've been having for all last week was apparently a pretty bad bacterial infection. I have no clue how it made itself home in my throat... so to everyone, I've got cooties for real! Not that it really matters anyways. At least it wasn't mono! *knocks on wood* My bio prof had a similar story except he was on vacation... antibiotics wiping out all the healthy bacteria and shizz from your throat and drinking unpasteurized beer = bad idea. He was out for 3 months. His tongue and throat was literally white and he couldn't speak clearly.

Furthermore, I'm going to refrain from signing on msn for the next little while not because I don't love you guys, I've got a midterm this friday that I keep saying I'll study for but never do.
*muah* sugah heads!

-----------------
ps - Beaty, what's melon-pan? It's driving me nuts! I swear they're pineapple buns but they're not!

"You're pretty"

[image: movie still; Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind]

"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd"
--Alexander Pope's poem, "Eloisa to Abelard"

let's play doctor

[image: MG]

Last set of blood tests and I'm sorta nervous. I've been generally fatigued so much as of late and my fire throat hasn't gone away for the past 4 days. I'll just leave it at that.

To shay head - I hope you successfully find a sexy grad suit to match Miss M ^_~
To Beaty - coffee haagen daaz 4 life club needs to start soon
To Gautam - Good luck on your midterm tomorrow!

blargh, gotta get back to the textbook away from the computer!

chirality

For the record, I'm not gay or bisexual, lol. However, women and men can both equally be delicious! Anyways, on a more superficial note, I've been obsessing over a red retro dress with white polka dots. Unfortunately, my boobs don't fit right in it so... no dress. It's probably more of an excuse to visit different patios for drinks so I can giggle like an idiot and act like a dolt. And this is why I'm saying I need girlfriends because no decent dude is going to waste time and money like that. It's not my style anyway. A glass of tang on a hot day or a mug of ovaltine/horlicks on a cold day with good company is even better - I act like a dolt either way. As of late I've been gourging myself on ice cream and kettle chips like there's no tomorrow - but it's all good. I need to sit my butt down and get down to business with aldehydes and ketones. Hydrides can act as good nucleophiles?! What? Exactly.

Oh, the other day I saw the biggest stainless steel butt plug ever. gross.

every angel is terrifying

[image: katia]

"Who, if I screamed, would hear me among the angels?
and even if one of them pressed me suddenly against his heart
I would be consumed in that overwhelming existence.
For beauty is nothing but the beginning of terror,
which we are still just able to endure,
as it threatens to annihilate us.

every angel is terrifying."

--Rilke

fidelio

[image: Kubrick; Eyes Wide Shut]

5 hours. and I don't know why... just keep scrubbing harder. There's always something left amiss, there's always some reason or some excuse... just leave me be and let me clean. There's so much to clean, Jane, there's so much to clean. this is so hard because I'm scared and I hate myself for it. With eyes wide shut, it doesn't matter what you do.

--------------------------------
the red dress with white polka dots.
I've also been thinking... I don't know what I want anymore. I think it's just searching out for companionship to make up for not being allowed to to play with kids afterschool while growing up. Perhaps I just want to be graced with the companionship and love from another woman and not from a man. But before even considering, I think it might be important to learn how to stand on my own... and just maybe, I'll learn to love myself.

...

*sigh*...

--------------------

burning dry butterfly wings in the cold.
where is solace?

I don't think this was a great idea. cassette tape played backwards and forwards enough times, I don't know which way is which.

So...

Gaaaah, I think I've got flea bites.
I should sleep.

duuuuuur

I love that gif.

It's so sunny out and I don't want to sit inside studying organic chemistry but I am because I know I'm effed for the midterm tomorrow and I don't know my shizz plus there's so much stuff to memorize. huff huff. Jackie actually taught at cap college before teaching here but I looooove her. Lermer's not bad - I just giggle whenever I see his arm hair shadows on the projector screen. The TA substitute who filled in for last week's lecture couldn't teach and as a result, I swear I'm 3 weeks behind. Did I mention that it's so sunny and nice outside? I want to be out biking again because I've chosen gluttony over Shakira.

In other news I'm uber excited because I get to pet-sit Sadie and Neko during the weekend <3

i wish i was beautiful.

to smell the sweat of fear

[image: Mike Leigh]

Have you ever met fear with such assurance that you could taste its blind smell? There is no doubt, there is no maybe... just terror and pinpoint pupils.
Desperation is emancipating
this starvation,
for hope.
that you'll never know
the blind killer.

i want to puke right now.
I'm fine.

It's PJ Fresh Phil and Snit

Wooooo! Those were the awesome days of YTV. Does anyone remember those wierd 3-D animation shorts that lasted a couple of minutes in between tv shows on channel 25? They were awesome and I kinda miss them.

Anyways, the first official day of organic chemistry was on monday. I don't know whether to be fascinated or disgusted by the prof this semester... I've got Lermer and he seems like a nice guy. Like Alvin and Serena said, he must've been a body builder in the past except he's sporting extreme chest hair. I was kinda hoping to be in Jackie's section but ah well. My molecule set is missing - it's probably lost in my room somewhere. I've got a model of caffeine sitting next to my bed but I dunno where the box went. Time to do some borrowing!

I'm so tired... I really should start studying for the course after hearing all the horror stories and seeing the sheer number of failed students in class. I finally got all my marks back and I'm extremely disappointed with my human anatomy/physiology course mark, especially given that it was 7 credits. blargh =_=

Ich brauch' dich doch auch nicht mehr als du mich

[image: Waclaw Wantuch]

I finally bought Run Lola Run today. Now I want to dye my hair a bazillion shades of red and get dreadlocks. Afterwards I want to marry a dark haired German speaking Swiss dude so I can also get Swiss citizenship and live in Switzerland. BUT, right now I want to try this instant yakisoba stuff called UFO that Seaian said was yummy... I'm a little skeptical but I was shocked by how yummy c.c. lemon was. I just wish that they came in bigger cans or something. I would've never tried it especially after seeing these commercials with the Simpsons. Anyways, I'm still sick and I should be sleeping. My legs hurt like heck from gardening the other day... I've got cool gardening glove tans and a big slit tan on my back. I'm going to turn brown during the summer, as usual.

anyways, this is pointless rambling. Good night.

akeelah and the bee

[image: katia]

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
--Return to Love by Marianne Williamson

Akeelah and the Bee was definately an excellent movie!

I give you: The Worst Fight Scenes EVER.

Edit: via VideoSift.com

"Yeah... SEE YA!"



Warning: Video below is really gorey

The year is 2006

It's a weird feeling to actually feel inferior for attributes I was born with. To be treated as less than a woman and told that I'm a self-absorbed asian is just... I dunno... new? lol. Ah well, I guess an internalized hiearchy does exist. For every hiearchal order, there needs to be a reference... of course, we never seek to see ourselves as the inferior people, so naturally we will look below us. This isn't an exclusive ladder for race, it also applies to gender, social networking, affluence, etc. So I understand why some people act the way they do, it's really just for comfort so I can't be angry... I've just kinda lost the taste to even make cookies...

Anyways, my legs are feeling a little wobbly from biking around Richmond with some nice company. I hope I'm not going to get sick because my throat is sore. Tomorrow will consist of hardcore room cleaning, binder stuff sorting and hardcore weeding in the front yard. But for now, laundry and sleep.