I am angry tonight

The hardest part is believing that the self is still whole. Internalized oppression backed by the impressionable media, peer influence and history yield this weakness and fear. If I dare speak out, I am to expect acrid retribution and retaliation with illegitimate reasons justified by a society run by men.

I'm such a man hater tonight, I'm sorry. I still love you guys <3

Three Denizen Songs - Margaret Atwood

"A gathering of soltitudes"

[image: Katia]

And to speak of solitude again, it becomes
clearer and clearer that fundamentally this is
nothing that one can choose or refrain from.
We are solitary.
We can delude ourselves about this
and act as if it were not true. That is all. But how
much better it is to recognize that we are alone;
yes, even to begin from this..

--Rilke

cicada

Rebirth or renewal, however you look at it

------------------------------------------------
I've kinda set a different direction. I know it's just going to be one foot in front of the other. But I know that a mountain cannot be without first being a grain of sand.

I've also been wondering. Is conscience entirely internalized in the brain? I like to believe that we're somehow all connected as part of the universe (First Law of thermodynamics: All energy can neither be created nor destroyed). Do our bodies really hold emotional memories? There have been many instances where organ transplantation recipients have embodied certain actions and mannerisms seen in their donors even when the recipient has had no prior knowledge of the donor. I understand that brain serves as nothing more than basic cephalization for higher learning processes and maintaining homeostasis driven by chemical reactions... but where does conscience fit in all this? I wonder if it's possible to create an artificial karma. If we were to be reincarnated, what then - happens to all the pieces that make us?

Blah, regardless... I think we're all connected to each other. Man, this is such useless babble... I gotta get back to this stupid book.

This is prime time deliverance

because I have not forgotten these roots;
never forgotten -
the full colour saturation
of blind chance...
it's so real.

lol, nice tattoo dude

[image: bmezine.com]

ambience

I used to pretend that I was drowning...
it gave me a sense of warm ambient solace.
to breathe the romanticism
sung only by the fragrance of baby's breath.



... I will conquer tomorrow.

[image: la cyclie de vie; Diego Alborghetti]

Shut up, I can't help but take these quizzes.

I stole this somewhere... I can't remember where.

Physical/Appearance

[] I am shorter than 5'4.
[x] I think I'm ugly, even sometimes. (it's a girl thing)
[x] I have scars.
[x] I tan easily.
[x] I wish my hair was a different colour (lighter shade of brown)
[] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance. (but I'm too lazy to do anything about it)
[x] I have/I've had braces.
[] I did/do wear glasses.
[] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercings. (though I'm sure they've closed over)
[] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[] I have freckles.

Family/Home Life

[] I've sworn at my parents.
[x] I've run away from home. (well, tried to anyways in high school but that was only for half an hour, lol)
[] I've been kicked out of the house.
[x] My biological parents are together.
[] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
[] I've had children.
[] I've lost a child.

School/Work

[x] I'm in school.
[x] I have a job. (kind of... it's not a real "job")
[x] I've fallen asleep at work/school. (lol, notes are funny to read when you're falling asleep)
[x] I almost always do my homework. (circa high school, that is)
[x] I've missed a week or more of school. (aside from school field trips I rarely ever miss school... even if I'm sick like silly)
[x] I've been on the Honour Roll (heh, say good bye to the good old days of high school)
[] I failed more than 1 class last year.
[] I've stolen something from my job.
[] I've been fired.
[x] I've skipped school.

Embarrassment

[x] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[x] I've peed from laughing. (not like all out peeing... just like.. y'know.. oops)
[x] I've snorted while laughing.
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[x] I've glued my hand to something.
[x] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose. (carbonated drinks aren't fun coming out of the nose)
[x] I've had my pants rip in public (HA, too many times)

Health

[] I was born with a disease/impairment.
[x] I've gotten stitches. (from getting wisdom teeth removed)
[x] I've broken a bone. (fractured my pinkie)
[] I've had my tonsils removed.
[] I've sat in a doctors office with a friend.
[x] I've had my wisdom teeth removed.
[] I've had a serious surgery.
[x] I've had chicken pox. (APPARENTLY, I was so worried about getting shingles I had blood tests to make sure... though my parents don't even recall me having chicken pox)

Traveling

[] I've driven over 200 miles in one day.
[x] I've been on a plane.
[x] I've been to Canada.
[] I've been to Mexico.
[x] I've been to Niagara Falls. (when I was 3... but I don't remember it)
[] I've been to Japan.
[] I've Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[] I've been to Europe.
[] I've been to Africa.

Experiences

[x] I've gotten lost in my city.
[x] I've seen a shooting star.
[x] I've wished on a shooting star.
[] I've seen a meteor shower.
[x] I've gone out in public in my pajamas.
[x] I've pushed all the buttons on an elevator
[] I've kicked a guy where it hurts.
[] I've been to a casino.
[] I've been skydiving.
[x] I've been an abuse victim.
[] I've gone skinny dipping.
[x] I've played spin the bottle.
[] I've drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[] I've crashed a car. (unless you count bumping into a curb and subsequently causing over a grand worth of damage... I'm stupid)
[] I've been Skiing.
[x] I've been in a play.
[] I've met someone in person from the internet.
[] I've caught a snowflake on my tongue.
[] I've seen the Northern Lights.
[x] I've sat on a roof top at night.
[] I've played chicken.
[x] I've played a prank on someone.
[x] I've ridden in a taxi.
[x] I've seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[x] I've eaten Sushi.
[] I've been snowboarding.

Relationships

[] I'm single
[-] I'm in a relationship.
[] I'm engaged.
[] I'm married.
[] I've had someone cheat on me.
[] I've gone on a blind date.
[] I've been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[] I have a fear of commitment.
[] I have a fear of abandonment.
[x] I'm in love.
[] I've cheated in a relationship.
[] I've gotten divorced.
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
[] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
[] I've kept something from a past relationship.

Sexuality

[x] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[x] I've had a crush on a teacher. (more like fantasy crushes)
[x] I am a cuddler.
[x] I love to flirt.
[x] I've been kissed in the rain.
[x] I've hugged a stranger.
[x] I have kissed a stranger.
[x] I've accidentally flashed someone.
[x] I've purposefully flashed someone.
[x] I've slept all night in a bed with a person of the opposite sex.
[x] I've slept all night in a bed with a person of the same sex.
[] I've bitten someone.
[] I've been bitten.
[] I am bisexual or homosexual.
[x] I've kissed a member of the same sex. (not intimately)
[x] I've kissed a member of the same sex on the lips. (see above)
[] I've made out with a member of the same sex.
[] I've had sex/fooled around with a member of the same sex.
[] I've slept with a co-worker.
[] I've made out in an elevator.
[] I've had sex in a sibling's bed.
[] I've had sex in a parent's bed.


Honesty/Crime

[x] I am a terrible liar.
[x] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
[x] I've snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I've cheated while playing a game.
[x] I've cheated on a test.
[x] I've ran a red light.
[] I've been suspended from school.
[x] I've witnessed a crime. (some dude stealing baseball bats in his pants and batteries from Canadian Tire... that was bizarre)
[x] I've been in a fist fight. (lol, like in Grade 4)
[] I've been arrested.
[] I've shoplifted.

Drugs/Alcohol

[x] I've consumed alcohol.
[] I regularly drink.
[] I've passed out from drinking.
[] I have passed out drunk at least once in the past 6 months.
[] I smoke.
[] I've taken painkillers when I didn't need them.
[] I'm a stoner.
[] I've snorted cocaine.
[] I've eaten shrooms.
[] I've popped E.
[] I've inhaled Nitrous.
[] I've done hard drugs.
[x] I have cough drops when I'm not sick.
[] I can't swallow pills.
[] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem

Depression and Self-harm

[] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[x] I shut others out when I'm depressed.
[] I did/do take anti-depressants.
[] I'm anorexic or bulimic.
[x] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[] I've woken up crying.
[x] I've cried myself to sleep.
[] I see a therapist.
[x] I've seen a therapist. (counsellor in the past?)

Death and Suicide

[] I'm afraid of dying.
[] I hate funerals.
[x] I've seen someone dying.
[x] Someone close to me has attempted suicide.
[] Someone close to me has committed suicide.

Materialism

[] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[x] I own an iPod or MP3 player. (one that doesn't work >:()
[] I have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga.
[] I own multiple designer purses, costing over $100 a piece.
[] I own something from Hot Topic.
[] I own something from Pac Sun.
[] I collect comic books. (can't afford them but I looooove them)
[x] I own something from The Gap.
[] I own something I got on e-bay.
[] I own something from Abercrombie.

Political/Social Attitudes

[] In general, I don't like people.
[] I'm a feminist.
[x] I'm very outgoing. (when it comes to matters of sexuality... all other times, I'm super shy)
[x] I listen to political music.
[] I'm Democratic.
[] I'm Republican.
[] I'm liberal.
[] I don't like Bush because he is dumb.
[x] I don't like Bush with my own reasons to back it up.
[] I am for Bush.
[] I'm religious.
[] I'm against homosexual marriage.
[] I dress fairly modestly.
[] My attitude is, "If you've got it, flaunt it."
[x] I'm pro-choice.

Random

[] I can sing well.
[] I've stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant. (LOL, I've taken a few chairs from McDonalds for home use before... but that was because they were going to throw em out anyway)
[x] I open up to others easily.
[x] I watch the news.
[] I don't kill bugs.
[x] I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for the sake of being able to rhyme
[] I curse regularly.
[] I sing in the shower.
[] I am a morning person.
[] I paid for my cell phone ring tone.
[] I'm a snob about grammar.
[] I am a sports fanatic.
[x] I twirl my hair (and try my best to giggle)
[] I have "x"s in my screen name.
[] I like being neat
[] I love Spam
[] I've copied more than 30 CD's in a day.
[] I bake well.
[x] My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink,red or blue (RED!!!)
[x] I would wear pajamas to school.
[] I like Martha Stewart.
[] I know how to shoot a gun.
[x] I am in love with love.
[] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[x] I laugh at my own jokes.
[] I eat fast food weekly.
[x] I believe in ghosts.
[x] I am online 24/7, even as an away message.
[] I've not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class.
[x] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room. (HA HA HA, NOT FUNNY)
[x] I am really ticklish. (too ticklish)
[] I love white chocolate.
[] I bite my nails.
[x] I play video games.
[x] I'm good at remembering faces.
[x] I'm good at remembering names.
[] I'm good at remembering dates.
[x] I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life

"it's always been wait and see"

[image: postsecret]

i'd follow you into the dark
but -
as always..
I forgot to bring the light.

The hardest part is admitting that the clock stopped working long ago. The small silver key doesn't fit the keyhole to a kingdom housing a secret garden anymore. Perhaps there's a small comfort in living the perception of fitting shoes 2 sizes too small. I want to keep following you into the dark, but I'm too scared to admit that... I'm lost.

I haven't been able to eat properly for the past week. A juicebox during the day will usually suffice until dinner rolls around. And even then, I feel like puking up everything afterwards. Ah well, I deserve it. All I want is for someone to just yell and scream at me... I want to be hurt. I don't know why I'm feeling so... small.

in my mind, I will always be inadequate.

Royce!

Royce came to visit last night from Victoria - he's going to move to Toronto to study under these artists... *extreme excitement!* Anyways, Royce is still a doll, lol.

Soooo, my day today has been pretty bad thus far. My car got vandalized and I received a stupid parking ticket in Downtown Vancouver. Ah well, c'est la vie. I'm dead broke now... lol, so it's time to start saving up again for tuition and car repairs.

all went to see "The New World" at the Burrard Street famous players. This movie could potentially be so much more in my opinion... there was just too much visual substance to take all at once. The music was beautiful and the entire film was shot mostly under natural light. There wasn't much dialogue for like the first hour of the movie. I love the actress who played "Pocahontas" aka the girl with no name aka the girl later named Rebecca. I can't believe she was 14 in the movie!! She was perfectly casted in this role. And after all this, I still don't like Colin Farrell... except for maybe his hair (so lucious). This movie was definately long... all the shots were beautiful but I'm sure that by taking out some sequences, the same effect still would have come across. Would I recommend this? Yes if you've got the time to but it's definately not a movie for everyone. Anyways, chemistry time!!!

In search of my Personal Legend

[image: jane; sketchbook]

That picture is so many years old... I can't believe I still have it. I cannot be more thankful for having the people and strangers who listen; the invisible hands we touch.
Right now I am a statue.
I know that I will feel so small. I don't know whether it'll be tomorrow, next week or even months before I become enveloped in the cramped space of fear. But this I know. Though the world is not my oyster, I can speak. I hope you'll listen if or when you ask.

edit: ...

every atom in this heart sings

[image: jose s. vibar]

"i like to watch people do what they love, or what they are good at. whether or not they know it. because it renders a sort of grace that is not grace where grace would not have been; it transforms. movements that last, performed in assurance by people who are never assured except in that instant where they know that they know everything there is to know. and everything is certain." --exuent_
------------------------------------------

I went on a walk around Garry Point. There are crocuses popping out in grassy clumps all over the place like Sheena said... yellow, purple, white. Most of the park was flooded with water.... but it looks as though it belongs there. It might be a disappointment for some of kite-flyers who make use of that large space... but at least for the ducks, they seemed to be enjoying it!

10

[image: katia]

"...perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses
who are only waiting to see us once beautiful and brave. Perhaps
everything terrible is in its deepest being something helpless
that wants help from us."
--Rilke

<3

[image: Jane, sketchbook stuff]

2 years ago, he walked in during the middle of my busy art class with a gigantic bouquet of 2 dozen roses and sang "ragtime gal" to me with a cheesey midi sound version playing in the background. lol, oh my goodness was I terribly embarassed and elated at the same time. This was especially a surprise after I had been complaining how Valentine's Day was such a dubious marketing ploy to generate money by retail companies. Ah dear, I could've been so angry but he just had to prove me wrong with his own steadfast beliefs.

And even to this day, I still think Gabe's such a silly boy in love.
I can't help but chuckle and smile. He's really a good man.

dancing in the dark

[image: mimle]

It feels lucid walking through large crowds just to buy a piece of bread. All I can breathe is silence. It's easy to blame Eve. Aye, 'tis the perspective today... all women are scourge on this earth. All women are the same. Come now, what say you Adam? King of men, champion of champions. What say you?

I am Lilith's tears, tonight.

we picked a crocus today

on a walk along the trail.
It's still too early for them come out, but the crocus is like that.
Even in the frost, they still come out
Still strong and still so beautiful.

And he made a wish, I smiled.
we departed.
and,
I drew a square on the ground with chalk.

outside

the cherry blossom buds are peeking out.
I wish I had a camera to capture the moment.

Right now, I hate it. And I feel like ripping those buds out. I hate the blue sky right now. I want to poison the water. I am hating myself right now. I feel like ash. and I hate these embittered moods.

loser for crying in the library.

mashed bananas

I found this link off Reuben's site from Sheena. I can't stress enough the truth in some of that because how many times have I said that I like guys who are hairy and have grab-able butts? A lot of asian guys don't fit in that category. On top of that, I'm a little turned off by the fact that I'm physically larger than a lot of asian dudes (my ass and legs are humongo in comparison). But regardless!! Hooray for men!

Anyways, I woke up like half an hour ago and polished off half a bag of white cheddar rice cakes and feeling accomplished! Though I have to admit it's absolutely terrible to eat at such hours - I fix myself bowls of rice/udon/cup noodles with whatever miscellenous crap I can find in the fridge. I don't want to look like a loser going to No. 9 by myself at 2 or 3 am. I've been wanting to take G around at night and introduce the culture that's available then but I doubt that's ever going to happen. I guess I should just accept being assimilated into white culture.

In other news, I've got a microbiology midterm from 7 - 8:30 pm later on in the day. Immunology is definately interesting and I actually kinda understand the material. However, I never feel ready for midterms or tests... I'd rather write papers. I hate multiple choice. Good luck to all you dearios who have midterms to write!!

buh

Alright, it's time to lose weight. I've already ripped my last pair of pj pants and I don't feel like repairing them or buy new crap. I somewhat regret buying this laptop at this point in time because after paying for school tuition, my account balance has dwindled down to $18.17. I'm so bad with finances, lol. And there's birthdays coming up and gas to pay for and ahhhhhhhhh. And to top that, I've lost count of how much money I've lent my parents and I doubt they'll pay me back anytime soon. Smoking is such an effing expensive habit, there'd be more in their pockets if they *tried* to cut down. grumble grumble.

I'm done my rant. I hate revolving around money.

panda eyes

[image: Dr. Hofmann]

Wow, it's been crazy windy and rainy these days. Seaian got back from Japan this morning - lol, 60 hours without sleep? Jeebus. Apparently the gum we eat here look like pills over in Japan (namely because of the way the gum's packaged). Anyways, I hope he catches up enough sleep, sleeping horizontally.

Blah, I haven't been able to sleep until like 4 or 5 am these days. Conventional methods aren't working as well as they used to. I really want to revert to Gautam's sleeping patterns because the night is so prime for doing anything - especially if you want to concentrate. Damn wed 9 am labs >: (

In other news, I've rediscovered the old Mac game, Snood. Holy smokes is it addicitive. Old macs are so awesome - they were so user friendly. Please tell me people have heard of the game, Factory for macintosh... I really want to play it again, but the downloadable versions aren't PC compatible. Urgh. Some oldschool programs/games I miss on the mac:
- Kidpix (that miss those eraser bombs, stamps and the sound of the "Oh No" undo guy)
- Factory (pleaaaase, has anyone ever heard of it?!)
- Hyperstack (many oldschool animations were made on that thing)
- Yukon Trail/Oregon Trail (I never really got into it back then because everything died too soon, but I'd give it a try again)

...and wtf did Waterloo MacJanet do?
I think the Apples that are coming out now how Intel chips in them... I thought this was an unusual move.. but anyways,

snood time.

arms outstretched

and embrace it,
Your impression and imprints etched to memory.

They are all your own.

ashes and snow

[image: Gregory Colbert]

If you have the time and really want to see something beautiful, turn on your volume and click here... it's truly, medicine for the soul.

Ashes and Snow

(enhanced experience)