"Everything in life is speaking in spite of it's apparent silence."

--Hazrat Inayat Khan

in the end, we stand alone

You know, I prefer to be in the company of males than females. I don't really know why. Perhaps it's just female intuition and the primal instinct to protect oneself. Females are vicious creatures... I know this because I call myself jealous jane.

I recently found my journal I kept during high school. I was convinced I lost it but I had hid it away in an old binder, paranoid someone would find it and discover my secrets. I don't keep secrets anymore. Reading it through, I think I understand why I am the way I am a little bit more. Machala saved me. she changed my life. I also understand why I tend to be so pensive during social gatherings with the characters from high school. Man, I was such an emo kid. literally. I even wrote emo poems!! But what. the. fuck. This blog is emo.

ps. emo = eat more oreos

furthermore, I've gained back all the weight I lost during the first half of summer. Not muscle, that's for sure, lol. But that's okay. I'm more concerned about money for textbooks at the moment. I've bought most of them for 3 out of 4 courses. The final total will probably ring in at over $700, which includes used textbooks. I'm taking 3 biology courses and a sociology course. feck. I seriously contemplate about turning tricks for money because it's so damn easy. stripping would be fun if I ever ever had the body for it, lol. Those experiences will definately make my memoir interesting.

struggle with the knot

Mr. nothing’s got a lot
He’s got a lot to say
He’s good at being what he’s not
Gives nothing away
Another day goes on by
And he never speaks his heart
He takes his chance with what he’s got
It’s too late now to stop

You push and you pull and struggle with the knot
It’s tying you up while you’re fadin’
You give and you take and take what you got
Round and round ’till it breaks and
You push and you pull and struggle with the knot
It’s tying you up while you’re fadin’ into your lie

Mr. nothing is late
He’s running out of time
He questions whether chance or fate will ever show a sign
Looks to the sky above
For a glimpse of what it means
And never never never make
Make no sense to him

You push and you pull and struggle with the knot
It’s tying you up while you’re fadin’
You give and you take and take what you got
Round and round ’till it breaks and
You push and you pull and struggle with the knot
It’s tying you up while you’re fadin’ into your lie

You push and you pull it

--Nikka Costa - Push Pull
----------------------------------------
Blow is an excellent movie. Despite the fact I bawl my eyes out at the end of like, every other movie... I dunno, this one really worked - complete and thorough. I should really go to sleep. it's now or never.

uhhhh

holy mother.

w..t..f..
this is carrot top from those 1-800 call att commercials.
don't even get me started on the pubes.
blargh.

Screaming Silence

when you look into the eyes of another...you see everything and nothing...the question races through your mind...could...yes...maybe...no...why...don't know...should...time will only tell...you start to leave...only to be verbally put down...so you sit there...with your eyes......closed

[post/image: clowngod]

[postsecret]

I wonder why I even bother sometimes.
I look for attention in all the wrong places, for all the wrong reasons. I do this to claim that I'm independent... but I'm so lost.

it seems too easy sometimes

It's a rarity when the thought processes revolves around the action itself and not around the money or chemical addiction. Social stigmatization to feed some false idea of security has become your epitome hasn't it? connotations of uncleanliness, drug addiction and hopelessness comes to mind I bet. Yet you can still carry yourself around on a high horse with illusions of the textbook all-american dream. scum will always be scum.

if that's true, call me scum.

----------------
*sigh* I've been living on a diet of fried spam and eggs for the past few days. When I pass away, some of my internal organs will most likely be preserved to some extent from all the preservatives in my food. Dub me cup noodle queen because it's all that's left in the pantry.

[image: katia]

we were born to fuck each other, one way or another

Would you believe me when I tell you
You are the queen of my heart
Please don't deceive me when I hurt you
Just ain't the way it seems

Can you feel my love buzz?
Can you feel my love buzz?
Can you feel my love buzz?
can you feel my love buzz?

--love buzz, kc

Christopher Walken 2008 for President

http://www.walken2008.com/

so sweet.

the smells of naivity

If you walk around just about anywhere... pay a little more attention, you'll notice these things. I'm listening to the songs of my naivity. I don't even question "what if" anymore... I probably never have. We've all left traces of ourselves here and there from chasing dreams. chasing our ego.

Ai wa, kanari itai.

majide.

Anyways, the above is from the Japanese movie, "Ichi the Killer" aka "Koroshiya 1", which I watched last night. The ridiculous-ness can be summed up in this trailer. But seriously, the worst of the gory wtf scenes are in the trailer so the movie isn't as bad as it seems. I'd recommend it only if you're familiar with asian cinema because it really uses shock value to the max.

Earlier on, I went to Rush Arcade. Up until then I've never sat down to play any serious PC game ever. Seriously, I'm convinced that you will walk away a little more dead inside... maybe contract cancer from the smoggishly warm heat which emanates from the computer screens. Above all, I'm sure extended use will result in a nifty radiation tan or something. Hypocritical, I understand since I'm hunched over feverishly typing away this nonsense. Ah well. 1337 skillz, yo.

STRAP ON = NO PARTS, the palindrome

lol, leave at 11 am and arrive here to Steveston at 6 pm? Ridiculous, them ferries and buses. Anyways, m'dear Machala came over to visit from Victoria (what a luvverly surprise). Red necklace and a little bouquet of cute white-pink flowers are so "holy shit I love them!" My mum says she has good taste and looks at me with disgust because I can't embrace that stuff on my own accord. A visit over to vic for an oyster bar party and general miscelleneous is in store before school starts. Damn, she brings back the good days.

In other news, I'm well aware that I have two comment box things going on but I'm too lazy to change it. The Firefox tab surfing ability is brilliantly hot. I don't really have much else to talk about these days, which seems to be a popular theme. It's supposed to be hot the next couple of days = tits in the sun. Indie Tits aren't updating either, which is a shame because I sure love them tits. Does anyone else find "cunt" to be a derogatory term? Dunn Dunn is off to Tokyo for like a week... I probably damaged his phone bill beyond all possible recognition. Gah.

oh. I also got a new pillow.
ride on, cowgirl ^^

[image: Madsky]

just go with the flourish of the moment

[Dr. Hofmann]

hey pretty, hit me one more time.

Don't say a thing when your friend grinds his dick against your girlfriend.
she's just asleep, so drink up.
It's a game where children take up titles of noblemen and noblewomen
at a masquerade ball
Politely glancing on the dance floor.
George Bernard Shaw once said:
"Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire."
It wasn't desire,
it was silent contempt.
Unfortunately, Shaw forgot the part that this desire is only acknowledged among strangers and not among peers.
I understand now.
why I carry myself the way I do.
--why i loathe my skin. the way i think. my inabilities. who i am.
I just need another drink.

play fire with fire

[image: Philip Dixon]

if you play the cards right, your next hand is the devil's grin.
I hate the name Anna.
so drink up, my bird.

whores work together, sluts work alone.

*sigh* Birthdays are just birthdays. This one was a quiet one, but I'm glad it was as only a few people remembered. These things take too much effort and trouble anyway.
but I'm glad. i smiled. so thankful.
What a present of cookies and milk can bring.

to say that understanding would be worth the sacrifice of superficial bonds of affection.

ha.

happy birthday to me.
I'm 19 now.

Saturna Island

I'm back.

I had a lovely time over at Pat's cabin on Saturna. I've only been to the island twice before to attend the island's annual Lamb Barbeque held every Canada Day with G. It's nice to actually stay there for longer than just a short day. What particularly amazed me was the night sky - never in my life have I seen so many stars at once at night. Looking further, the mainland glows with a purple-ish hue from all the lights and pollution... no wonder we can't see so many stars from our location in the lower mainland.

breathe -
Then there's the water.
the warm breeze, that smiles with your own.
and the sky.


looking out from the deck


catching a sunrise


and the pink of the clouds at dawn


the TV tower - the highest point on the southern gulf islands


looking out from the tv tower


the arbutus trees were everywhere


fine tuning your senses


we walked along the shoreline, rocks smoothed and rippled from years of sand and waves



salt and solid grooves



the little white house on the hill





I apologize about the size of the photos.. I don't want to resize them, heh. *shrugs* There's more pictures of the drinking stuffs and more, but I'll keep them out of here.