i am fragile, but not weak

i understand that this is hard... i am trying so goddamn hard right now
but sometimes i slip, relapse.
i can only clench my teeth and cry, frustrated
convulse as though posessed by a demon.
no, there nothing to understand is there? she's making things up.
over exaggerating..
fuck it.
i've just gotten to the point where I want to scratch my skin off,
turn inside out and be left as rotting carrion.
nauseous with frustration, i hate staring into the toilet again.

i don't want this. i hate this i hate this.
i simply want to move on. because,
i am so
tired.
of.
this.

everytime i close my eyes i can only hear.see.remember.
that stupid grin.
if i didn't speak and punctured my throat with a knife, that grin will still be there,
resonating, hissing to repeat it over and over again in the future,
and only commanding silence in return.
but because i spoke, that grin turned into a grimace full of daggers.
crying out no wrong,
demanding silence.

i may just be that weird fag chink from high school,
but you know what?
i know how to speak
and i will scream.

i'm sorry.
i spoke.
however one weighs that fact,
i have no shame.