My water molecules

medusa

Ahhh, sofa king tired right now. I have a fever too. random 10 minute naps are keeping me sane and together still. msn might be turned off for tonight (the computer is sin). call me if anyone needs me... I'll be up anyway.

1 more paper to go.
and my head is in a microwave.
less than 4 hours of sleep... buuuuuuuuuh-da-bing!

Hemigrapsus oregonensis

Damn crabs.

colours

Oh Annabelle

Oh Annabelle

Annabelle said to me the other day
this life is just a dream
you get out of bed
put on a happy face cause crying never solves anything
you keep to yourself
ain't it time that we did something?
oh aint it time that we got clever?
instead of standing in the shadows
why don't we try and stand together?

--MG (for Amnesty International - Canada)
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Caitlin's artwork is currently being shown at the Richmond Cultural Centre (Brighouse)
Check it out, folks :)

Witching hour

My throat is sore from all the screaming in my head.
And all the salt on my tongue is stinging my eyes.
Dammit, I do this everytime.
I'm reading holes in everything, these textbooks and damn papers.
Admist all this, I sometimes wonder if he knows me more than I do.
Why am I always the last to know?

I'm going for a walk because I love this air
This smell, the witching hour.
Now come, hold my hand
and chill me to the bone.

touch

"As long as there is a lower class, I am in it. As long as there is a criminal element, I am of it. As long as there is a soul in prison, I am not free." --Eugene Victor Debs

Whoaaaaaaaaaa!

anyways...

Yes, the computer really is a distraction. I've figured it out! More like... I've known about it for a long time but denied it. I have a problem, folks. Especially that darned forum... I commit too much time to that.

So, final exams are in a week... I've got 2 papers to do during the weekend and a crapload of studying... feck. My whole body has jelli-fied since October. I think I'm going to give yoga a shot next term - both as exercise and a stress reliever. Oh, and bike. Those Vancouver cyclists sure do inspire me to brave the rain and morning as their mode of transportation. I feel like such a gas guzzler and polluter when I drive... especically when I'm driving alone.

And as for Christmas break... What do I want? Just time to bleh.
I want to be stupid for one day and just not care.
I want to have fun with friends.
I want..
I ask for too much.

How was your day today?

i am not an obligation

sometimes...

turning this off.
wasting away
time
like sand through fingers.
sorry poe. i tried.

*yawn*

All this computer stuff makes me sleepy. I feel like watching that cheesey version of Jason and the Argonauts. Medea's sex scene was so weird, lol. Who sits there waving about her arms in some tantric sort of way? Kinky.

I think I'm going to take Sociology or Philosophy come September. The Science stuff really eats crap. Yummeh!

Love you all the same. *blows kisses*

Prince Charming in Fables

(maybe he forgot)

I've become a prisoner to infatuation.

Doktor Schnabel

Doktor Schnabel

I had a dream about Doktor Schnabel and the Black Death last night. We were lovers in the past once. His breath was sweet and his hands were warm, unlike how history remembered him as. I despised him. For everyone I cared for, he took away. He eventually took me away... leaving me empty, after a night's tryst. In my dream last night, the Black Knight had stood him face to face and the Doktor fell, unmoving. Only his mask remained. With one sweeping motion, the Black Knight removed his helmet and put on Schnabel's mask, then turned to face me. His armour was heavy as I watched him approach me. He reeked of carrion and bile.
Children appeared from nowhere as they started to laugh and dance while singing 'ring-around-the-roses', forming a tight circle around us. The Knight's armour was heavy, an indication that he was a versed warrior... still with many more battles left to fight...
still too, with many more lives left to plague. He was Doktor Schnabel and he had become the Black Plague.

-------------------
Ah ha, that was cheesey. Anyways, the Black Plague was really interesting... I still remember enjoying learning about it during our study of medieval history in high school. But I really did have a dream about Doktor Schnabel. Perhaps a premonition? I'm not failing Biology anymore, but I'm sitting out in the water like a fat duck waiting to be shot at. I am, however, failing chemistry with such elegance, it makes me tear up a little bit... 'tis truly a Kodak moment. I also have a feeling I bombed my last midterm too. Let's see if I can start and end with failures, heh.

Knowing what I know now, I wouldn't have been so stupid to take so many courses or arrange my timetable the way it is now. I neither enjoy school or loathe it. The shitty marks now in no way reflect what I'm interested in.. kinda, career-wise. There's no point specializing so soon. Potentially, I could take the MCAT or PCAT by the end of next year. Ha! I have decided. I don't want to be a doctor. I simply don't have the grades or the sheer drive to pursue that route, nor am I looking forward to literally, over a decade more of schooling.

Anyways! On a lighter note, mandarins are delicious at this time of year. Mmmmmm.

And all that could have been

I hope Machala is doing well. I’ve been too at loss for words to write back as I’ve promised… I’ll get around to it, but I don’t know what to say for the risk of saying something wrong. I could never be part of the game, even if I tried. So I’ll just keep to the comforts of being uninvited. Like Alanis or Natalie Imbruglia.

I deleted e-mails this morning. E-mails I've failed to delete and just held on to... or more precisely, left alone to take up space. I've realized that there's no longer any reason to hold on to things that I no longer have, prospects gone cold in a long threading trails of regret, resentment, emotion. Would be sunshine? Would be hope? Would be lust or love? Could've been anything. But I never deleted them. Why? I don't know why. I have no interest whatsoever of rekindling the fact that what is done is done. Why harbour old memories of frustration? Why still cling to something that could have been even if it was brief.

Now, I keep and hold close what I still have. I can look into his eyes and see only him, not old memories and reminders of others that could be in his place. I stay steadfast to say that I'm in love. And just with one person.

“The optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious of the rose.” --Kahlil Gibran

For once I want to be an optmist... an idealist at heart.

2+2=5

cornered.

my head feels like screaming
but no audible sound creeps.
cacophony,
this silence is deafening.
my lips are screwed shut,
fucked.
i forgot letters,
i'm missing words
and i'm at lost for putting forth
connectivity, fluidity and coherence.

shuddup Jane, just shuddup.

"Don't question my authority or put me in a box." --thom

:)

Guilty

Ahh, it's nearing 12. I think I'm going to head off for bed before it gets too late. I think, this time, make a plan for once so I can start a day tomorrow with more conviction.

Wake up at 8:30 am, brush my teeth and eat an orange. Then go out for a jog/walk for an hour or so. Come home at around 10 am, shower and eat a more filling breakfast (hang out on the computer until 11 rolls around) then get the whip cracking.

11-12-ish, attempt another practice midterm for math
until 1, hang out on the computer

Goals for the day:
-finish lead lab
-attempt lab 7
-finish biol 140 misc. assignments
-look over math again

And if I can.. attempt chemistry from scratch.

*sigh* I'm so lovesick, I miss Gabriel already.

girls

J.D. Salinger

O P M

city girl vi --jess

There's still remnants of you in my veins;
my addiction.
Is liquid,

from the fields of opium red.

---------------------

My great-grandfather was an opium addict, little wonder why he passed so young. My grandmother still remembers preparing the leaves... and the smell, oh yes, the smell - she said it smelled wonderful. Life during the great Opium Wars.

Elliot Smith - Needle in the Hay

feed me self control.


Drive me senseless. Well, here to report I'm still alive and well still running on three hours of sleep. And the midterm... let's not talk about it. Goal is to drop down to 4 courses and get a frickin' job. Such a lazy slob I am sometimes, heh. I don't want to do anything but dissipiate into nothingness and forget about deadlines and tests. Oh.. and get some exercise... certainly haven't been doing any of that. There is no joy at school - just lethargic pigeons and fat squirrels. Back to the drawing board!

<3, Jane

ghosts of a future lost

I want you to

draw on me:
clouds and rainbows
And mould me like clay.

Now close your eyes and
tell me what you've shaped -
what smooth surfaces and curves you've
caressed
in your warm hands.

Tell me what lines you've drawn on my body
and the art
your cupped hands hold -

like a warm stone
still
in my belly.

wir kommen frei hier

rephlex.

poo-tee-weet?

poo-tee-weet?

I asked the bird to teach me how to fly
And he only told me to close my eyes
and soar.

After all, only the birds sing after a massacre.


Jeebus, it's past 11 already. Time to math it up.

peek-a-boo

Serial Joe - Mistake

Ahhh, this song brings back old memories...

Anyway, I want to go see Chaucer's Rap again... 'tis good addictive stuff.

My story begins in a bar where three friends
Drink cheap gin and party hard all weekend.
These men were riot-starter types
Who spent the better part of their money on cards and dice,
Livin' the life of loose women and vice,
Pickin' fights, seduced by all seven different types
Of sins: a feeding frenzy of Vengeance,
Vanity, Lust, Greed and Envy... --Baba Brinkman (excerpt from "The Pardoner's Tale")

Everything else seems so convoluted and mixed up. Time seems to work against me. I often wonder whether or not I'm taking the right steps... I was thinking about going into Biochemistry and what do you know, I fail midterms in Biology and Chemistry. Har har, what a damper on going into the Health Sciences. I envy the people in Arts... their care-freeness and their interests. I want to take courses in so many electives... Anthropology, sociology, psychology, visual arts, political science... *sigh* When is it my turn? Maybe I should've gone to college? save some money and gas for the same amount of education. I guess I'm being selfish and greedy. But the thing is, I'm not abhorring my current map... nor am I enjoying it. I'm in stasis. I don't know for how much longer...

not to mention, I'm so full of double meanings - a slurring metaphor.

And she's back to eating pomegranates
and devouring Hades' seed.
Sie hat ihm einen geblasen.
Then gets up and closes the door behind her,
peeking back
at another week's pass.

Die Fantastichen Vier - Krieger (Aphex Twin Baldhu Mix)

eins
zwei
drei
vier
fünf
sechs
sieben
acht
neun
zehn

say it again.

blasen.

dangling four letter words

dangling four letter words
off the tip of my tongue:

dirty and incomplete
absolute and whole.

I feel both. I acknowledge both.
and now, a part of me.

A differential equation of integrals
that dip, concave
with maximas and minimas...
and tangents that draw to infinity

Now, percentages and numbers
like dates and the clock,
have become insignificant over time.
They tell me:
"Tuum est",
while locking the door 6 feet above me.

i scratch onto skin,

four letter words:
hate-fail-hope
holy-mary-lamb
seek-love-hero

and my tongue feels less itchy.

don't look past prophets on the walls

MG - pledge of allegiance

”What kind of peace do I mean? What kind of peace do we seek? Not a Pax Americana enforced on the world by American weapons of war. Not the peace of the grave or the security of the slave. I am talking about genuine peace, the kind of peace that makes life on earth worth living, the kind that enables men and nations to grow and to hope and to build a better life for their children - not merely peace for Americans but peace for all men and women - not merely peace in our time but peace for all time.” – JFK

I have no clue who's going to win tomorrow. I miss Clone High...
but in the meantime, time to dodge puddles of puke at school - oh the love!