Thursday, July 28, 2011

hei


The union of two characters, "Hei".. Happiness. In weddings, we combine the two characters side by side and it becomes Double Happiness. A symbol of unity amongst a couple and their respective families.

Perhaps it’s a feeling of being jaded. As I lay in bed at night, there is this overwhelming feeling of emptiness. Even when I know I’m not lonely. I am not a hermit. I cannot change the world. I feel underwhelmed. Trapped by tragic circumstances. Unable to be truly transparent… celebrate a lover, share a secret with a friend. Embody the meaning of double happiness, actualize the double life.

I feel tugged in different directions… And I don’t know what to do next...

Sunday, February 13, 2011

living in the shadows, in the present to your former

living in the shadows, in the present to your former
can be the most isolating feeling, yet.
that fear of loneliness?
it's claustrophobic.

and right now, I can't breathe.

Monday, January 31, 2011

EX. oh. dus.

New blog in progress to celebrate amazing-ness.

I'll keep this running to interject small blurbs of random happenings, nonsensical ramblings, etc etc. Life now is a state of metamorphosis. For the better? I don't know.

But what I can tell you is that the smell emanating from these joss sticks have never smelt more enticing. Foreign landscapes, escapades and grandeur! Chock full of whiz-bangs of course!

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

sigh

So now I've resorted to hiding green mangoes under my bed. Talk about forbidden fruit.

Thursday, December 09, 2010

Walden, 1854

"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practise resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan - like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms, and, if it proved to be mean, why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to the world; or if it were sublime, to know it by experience, and be able to give a true account of it in my next excursion. For most men, it appears to me are in a strange uncertainty about it, whether it is of the devil or of God, and have somewhat hastily concluded that it is the chief and of man here to "glorify God and enjoy him forever.""
--Henry David Thoreau, Walden (1854)

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

the forlorn incognito

the forlorn incognito,
rests upon this breast -
engaged in silent meditation.
un-foretold,
with the voice of a riot
asleep on,
this battle.
ground.

Monday, October 25, 2010

moving up slowly

raise me slowly to your lips
I want to colour the skies
the shade of a riot.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

I feel like breathing fire tonight

Hey bartender, hit me with another. Scotch straight up. I want to breathe fire.

I think of Oppenheimer’s famous words from the Bhagavad-gita. At this moment, I want to take to the stands and testify. Trickle down frank facts… though my mouth is brimful of a roaring river full of tar and emotions, threatening to burst the dam. Hurt, anger, jealousy has boiled over like hot milk spilling over a heated stove pot. The raw grit and desire for retribution has become me. Who am I??? to turn these simple hands into pounding fists.

vigilante.

Sunday, October 03, 2010

comfortable dreamers

There is something so sublime
about,
waking up slowly
skin:skin
transference
I know now,
the moon, when she is -
eclipsed.

Saturday, October 02, 2010

her morning elegance

Saturday, September 25, 2010

An excerpt from, "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho

“Why do we have to listen to our hearts?” the boy asked, when they had made camp that day.

“Because, wherever your heart is, that is where you’ll find your treasure.”

“But my heart is agitated,” the boy said. “It has its dreams, it gets emotional, and it’s become passionate over a woman of the desert. It asks things of me, and it keeps me from sleeping many nights, when I’m thinking about her.”

“Well, that’s good. Your heart is alive. Keep listening to what it has to say.”

“My heart is a traitor,” the boy said to the alchemist, when they had paused to rest the horses. “It doesn’t want me to go on.”

“That makes sense. Naturally it’s afraid that, in pursuing your dream, you might lose everything you’ve won.”

“Well, then, why should I listen to my heart?”

“Because you will never again be able to keep it quiet. Even if you pretend not to have heard what it tells you, it will always be there inside you, repeating to you what you’re thinking about life and about the world.”

“You mean I should listen, even if it’s treasonous?”

“Treason is a blow that comes unexpectedly. If you know your heart well, it will never be able to do that to you. Because you’ll know its dreams and wishes, and will know how to deal with them.

“My heart is afraid that it will have to suffer,” the boy told the alchemist one night as they looked up at the moonless sky.

“Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second’s encounter with God and with eternity.”

“Every second of the search is an encounter with God,” the boy told his heart.

“Everyone on earth has a treasure that awaits him,” his heart said. “We, people’s hearts, seldom say much about those treasures, because people no longer want to go in search of them. We speak of them only to children. Later, we simply let life proceed, in its own direction, toward its own fate. But, unfortunately, very few follow the path laid out for them—the path to their destinies, and to happiness. Most people see the world as a threatening place, and, because they do, the world turns out indeed, to be threatening place.

“So, we, their hearts, speak more and more softly. We never stop speaking out, but we begin to hope that our words won’t be heard: we don’t want people to suffer because they don’t follow their hearts.”

Saturday, September 11, 2010

C'est le 11 septembre

I've been awake for the past few hours, listening to the sound of planes near my home.

Skies are clear. Rain draws near.

Somewhere, some fanatic is burning a book.

Saturday, September 04, 2010

prime time deliverance



[image: В Плену у Яблок]

I'm still living in your mouth,
caressing soft thoughts.

keep me warm

Monday, April 26, 2010

from within my belly

My hands touch my belly sometimes. For the most part, flat and wanting sex. Careless and free, wishing to be sunny side up towards the sun. A friend called me up tonight and told me his lover was pregnant. He was happy and I was happy for him - to hear his proud voice, his provisional plans and aspirations. I could already envision those smiling eyes, slight with the burden of uncertainty and excitement.

Suddenly I was terrified.
The love-making. The result of their musky, passionate-filled coitus was this... pride? I'm so used to the pride of eyes-wide shut orgasms. This pride was different. It incited an overwhelming sense of envy on my part. Not for the baby they've created but...

Have I forgotten the depths of womanhood? The fine art of love and nourishment? I've been chasing waves in the sand for years yet I've never let my feet stop and sink into the warmth of being stationary.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

that new leather smell

gag ball
cock whore
mouth slut
head like, a hole.

.

Sunday, February 07, 2010

dear ethical slut.


[image: taesang]

I think some part of me died off a year or two ago. I just don't feel like my former self - running off on tangents based on the most menial inspirations. I remember how amazingly therapeutic journaling was but now I really could care less.

I'll be turning 24 this year and can't help but think where the last 3 years went. My parents have even started to look at their watches. It's only now that I notice those deepening lines in their faces.

Perhaps I've been too nice. Too patient. Too non-assertive. I feel brittle and dry. Even these emotionless trysts... more for leisure activity to fill up my empty agenda of friends from a non-existent childhood (my secret envy).

It's like kissing women with mouths too small. I can't be sheltered or swallowed by their feminine charm.

Where do I want to be, I don't know. Where am I now? Seated too far back on a hard chair, thighs just sticking to the plastic - uncomfortable.

ho hum.

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Poo poo

Smart phones have only resulted in more time sitting on the John.

Fail.

It's smooth btw

Sunday, January 31, 2010

technological insanity

I can't believe I'm already wrapping up for the last portion of this final semester. My final preceptorship will be doing surgical nursing at a great floor so I'm looking forward to it! So far in this program, I've seen a lot of everything from what each major area has to offer from general medical-surgical, pediatrics, maternity, mental health, community, geriatrics (home care), orthopedics, etc etc. There are so many other specialties left unexplored and I still don't know what I want to specialize in...

I've had the opportunity to watch a few surgeries and it's crazy what level technology has achieved so far. Along with great staff who are willing to teach some wide-eyed nursing student the ins and outs of a new area, I've been thoroughly impressed. The uterus is actually quite tiny. Laparascopic procedures are so small and minimally invasive... the belly actually gets filled with gas so a camera can see down it to aid in the cauterizing, snipping, sucking, cleaning, etc etc. Regarding the uterus (and associated ovaries and tubes, they all got removed via the vagina... crazy! I later walk into another room and got to watch and play with an excised piece of intestine fresh off the chopping block. I can't imagine ever being an OR nurse... one has to be uber organized.

I think today's procedure takes the cake in terms of being impressive and super amazing because it was cardiac in nature. We had a patient who was on bypass (and those machines are huuuuuuuuuge) and was converted to a VAD (ventricular assist device) so the person's heart could be mechanically pumped as an artificial ventricle... this is all powered by an external battery source. The beating heart is uber cool to watch and human ribs... they look like run of the mill back ribs that you'd eat during a BBQ, lol. I'm amazed by the amount of coordination and number of specialty bodies present to keep the person alive... from the anesthesiologists, the two cardiologists specializing in imaging, three cardiac surgeons and a perfusionist to control the blood just to name a few. It's scary, the fine line between life and death... to think the slightest adjustment could change everything.

After a quick tour of the renal floor, do NOT go on Atkin's or the South Beach diets. Our bodies NEED carbs... You can smell a person by their breath if they've only been eating protein. Diets strict in high protein = bad news for the kidneys... renal failure sucks.

Monday, December 28, 2009

GLUTTONY

3 epic dinners in a single night.
this is not boding well

Aaand, is the following PSA by the NYC health department effective at all?

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

cow slaughter

okay, yesterday's hot pot was disgusting... smelled like raw meat and fat from the 50+ orders of raw beef and pork slices. blargh. Hot pot is better done at home.

And the next morning... getting measured everywhere = fail.
Tabata kettle ball swings and goblet squats x zillion = fail.

This is going to be a rough holiday season, lol.
<3>

Sunday, December 13, 2009

from cold to warm to cold

Spontaneous decision of the day: Getting my nipple pierced
:D

so, from a cold temp --> warm temp --> cold temp
Constant arousal. This is going to be addictive.

Jane, wipe off that grin

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

overcast day?

just livid.

I'm feeling so unmotivated these days. Uninspired. untouched. Yet I also feel as though i can take out walls by screaming into them. Once again, rift valley. Air thermals and mixed messages. Heavy jeans too long for me. They're wet at the bottom, too bothersome. Night air at the Quay, watching vancouver breathe from a distance. this city feels too young for me, i've aged too fast. lost myself in hiccups and greasy eye goggles. run-onsentence, fra.gment.edideas.

fra il dire e il fare c'e di mezzo il mare.
an ocean too wide and too deep
sunken ship.

Give me a revolution.

living lies

living lies
tall tales
tails.
chasing mice
chopping block
broken glasses.

Friday, November 27, 2009

paralysis

of domestic convenience
and violent dreams

like stroking his lips
the man with guillain-barre

soft and dry
butterfly eyelids

crumpled ego
this ventilator's got to go.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

an elephant never forgets


[image: postsecret]

Thursday, July 09, 2009

to build a home

Sunday, June 14, 2009

a foreign landscape


[image: hong kong]

I've got 2 final exams in the next two days left to go... there goes 10 credits. I've long neglected this blog and I think I want to bring it back up again just to get the wheels turning. Perhaps I've got all the art sucked out of me but who knows. This term has gone by fast and I start my mental health rotation on wednesday.

I think the toughest part so far is translating, lol. For one, my cantonese is crap but it seems to do the job. I can understand more than I can speak. But translating certain terms = holy crap.

For example:

hemorrhoid.

How on EARTH do you translate that load of junk? I spent forever trying to describe a simple hemorrhoid to my patient during my obstetrics rotation and I ended up using all these vulgar terms and ridiculous slang. Oh dear. The hilarity ensues but at least the woman was cool with it. Don't even get me started with prostate, lol.

Anyways... I want to enjoy the sun. Clinical is like everyday and the heat wave looks as though it is dwindling down. I just want to run around in the sun and do nothing.

In the meantime, I feel crazy ass swamped. Deadlines and papers are like every other day it seems and the tutoring has been insane. It's provincials and finals time for a lot of my students and they're oh so adorable. I can't teach grade 12 math worth fluff anymore. The downside is that I get home at like 10 every night so that leaves me barely any time to study/read/write papers.

Another realization I've had is that I want to go visit hong kong. I'm pretty darn sure I'll feel awkward there but it'll give me a chance to be lost at home. I don't have any relatives there to stay with so I guess it'll expensive ass hotels. Maybe one day...

...and then I'll run away to Thailand... or maybe Cambodia.

WHO KNOWS!
I might end up moving away altogether and work in australia.

oh the places we go.

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

dear vancouver,

there's so much i want to tell you.

Thursday, April 09, 2009

joss sticks



after this last exam, i think
this afternoon -
legs crossed, in prayer.
i need to fill my head
with smoke and hollow hums.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

inochi-kun



omg, wtf
lol